Decisions, Decisions, All of them Wrong
If you know where that's from we can be friends
I’m not sure if I’ve written about this before, but, until recently I’ve always felt like I didn’t have any choice in the things I did. Or, even when there was choice, there was really only one “right” choice to make, an obvious one. When you’re a kid many life altering decisions are made for you — like where you live and go to school, and then suddenly you have to start making those decisions for yourself. One of the first and biggest ones for most people I know, was what to do after high school, more specifically, if you’re going to university, then where to go to school? While I had a few options it didn’t feel like any of them was a “real” option, or at least not one that I wanted or made sense. Making the decision to go to Berkeley felt like the inevitable one, and the one that anyone else, given the same set of information I had, would make. After graduation, for the next five years, the pattern largely continued. Even when I was making big life altering decisions, it didn’t feel like a decision but rather the inevitable choice and the one anyone would make.
The driving force of why I didn’t feel like I had any agency in my decisions, was because there were never multiple good options. I wasn’t choosing between different but equally beneficially or valuable choices (at least in my mind) and so, it always made sense to make the obvious choice. Lately, it feels like that’s changed. There’s a number of options when thinking about how I should move forward now - and largely they’re all equivalent in “value” to me. The problem I’m now faced with is that the choice I want to make is less than ideal in so many ways. Most people I explain my choices to, and the one I’m inclined to make, don’t really understand why. It’s not the logical one, and likely many people presented with the same set of options wouldn’t make the same decision either. It’s also one that’s bound to make a few people sad.
Without going into detail on what exactly the decision is (I’m happy to talk about it if we find time to catch up soon). I just know this — if I make any other decision than the one I’m making now, I think I will come to regret it if I can’t find a way to quickly alter it and get back to the lifestyle this choice offers me. I can’t say for sure if this is the best decision or if it’ll turn out to be the best one I could’ve made down the line, but for the last 9 years I’ve felt like there were invisible handcuffs tying me down to the life I had. There’s been a growing frustration that I wouldn’t be able to go do the things I actually wanted to do. This time, this choice, will allow me to break out of that frustration and give me the freedom I’ve been searching for, for so long. It’s not an easy one to make, I still have so many worries and concerns about how things will turn out and there is a deep sadness associated with leaving many things I love and enjoy in my life behind, but it’s unlocking a journey for me that once seemed so far away and that I need to take.
It still feels like it’s the only choice I can make, and the right one to make for me, but — at least this time, it’s a conscious choice, and not just the lesser of evils.
What about you? Have you ever made a decision that was good for you, but made the ones who loved you sad? Or a decision that was not the one most people would’ve expected you to make? How did you handle it? What choice did you make?
Media Recommendations
Since last time I gave so many music/tv/movie recommendations. I only have one book recommendation today. I just finished reading it and it’s given me a lot of comfort in the life that I find myself living these days. If you’re going through anything similar, I highly recommend reading it too: Welcome to the Hyunam-Dong Bookshop